May 22, 2013

I’m not pretty and I’ll never be. When I try very hard, I can be kind of cute. But I’ll never be beautiful, I’ll never be gorgeous, I’ll never be pretty.

And some days, it hurts.

Filed under self hartred body image diary depression tw:depression

1 note

May 22, 2013

Anonymous asked: I didn't know English wasn't your mother tongue! Do you mind if I ask what language is? :)

Actually Anon, while I don’t mind you asking (being curious is an awesome quality), I’d rather not tell anything more precise than “I’m european”.

I try to keep this blog as anonymous as possible, changing the names, ages and genders of people I’m talking about so if anyone I know irl ends up here, they won’t be able to be sure I’m the one writing.

I can count on my fingers the people I’ve told about the abuse I went through, and for now I want to keep it this way.

I hope you understand ^^’

Filed under diary Anon asks

3 notes

May 22, 2013

Missing Amelia

Sometimes, I miss my ex.

My love for her was brutal and loud, like thunder in the sky.

I miss her face filling the emptiness of my heart, her voice breaking the silence, her hand on mine, her unapologetic boldness. I miss the letters she wrote me, the pet names she gave me, the texts she sent me every morning. I miss the passion, the screams, the storms. I miss our fights, I miss walking the fine line between affection and insanity. This abyss still calls out to me. I miss the pain, because when anger exploded from her mouth, I couldn’t think about anything else, didn’t have the luxury to be afraid of anyone else.

My love for Nick is quiet and soft, like summer rain.

Nick doesn’t give me pet names, he doesn’t send texts, but when I come home after an all nighter, he makes me tea and cuddle on the couch with me. He doesn’t lie to his parents about us being “friends”, he doesn’t belittle me in front of his friends, doesn’t slam doors into my face. He’s here. He’s a rock I can hold on to when I feel my mind wavering. He’s not my master, he’s my companion. He doesn’t lead me, but walk by my side.

Sometimes I miss you but it’s a good thing you broke up with me, my cherry lover… for I would have died for you and now I must learn to live for myself.

Filed under abusive relationship recovery abuse girlfriend boyfriend love HOW DO I POETRY diary

3 notes

May 20, 2013

Anonymous asked: Why did you never answer my rape story? I really needed your advice.....

I’m sorry Anon,

I’m answering asks in chronological order and I have around 20+ unanswered ones waiting. But the thing is, right now, I can’t.

I want to, but I can’t.

My mood is spiralling downward again and I need all my energy right now to stop myself from self harming. When I answer an ask, I must feel strong enough to:

1) read it (sometimes it’s really triggering)
2) think about it (english isn’t my mother tongue, I need to check if I really understood the ask)
3) answer it and proof read what I wrote afterward (can’t rush that, I don’t want my answers to be misinterpreted or accidentaly hurtful)

So I really want to help, but right now, I’m fighting against myself. Even if I tried to answer, everything I would write would be drenched in self-hartred and depression and that wouldn’t be helpful at all.

I will answer eventually and I appologize for my lateness, but I’m “stuck” right now, I can’t do it. If you want, I can recommand some nice survivor blogs I know you can contact.

Sorry again.

Filed under self harm depression self hartred Tw:self harm asks Anon Blog Stuff

3 notes

May 20, 2013

One half of me feels happy and content, the other is angry and depressed and wants to throw herself against walls until it hurts.

Filed under Is it how it feels to feel genuine uncensored emotions? because it sucks diary therapy self harm Tw:self harm

3 notes

May 20, 2013

tw:self harm/self harted/violence/bullying/torture…

Lately, I realised how much of an angry person I am. I mean, I thougt that while I had some bitterness inside of me, I still had an even temper, but therapy proved me otherwise.

39 notes

May 19, 2013

i-am-a-rape-survivor:

Hello lovelies!

Remember when I talked about a giveaway when I’d reached 100 followers?

Yeah.

But better late than never. Because my followers are the best, here’ a small token of gratitude! It’s kind of a self-care kit? Kinda?

* One original painting, signed.
* One Botanical Cologne of the Missions soap bar.
* One Dove Supreme CreamOil beauty cream bar.
* Six vanilla scented candles.
* A box of one of my favorites herbal tea, Fox Trot (meringues, roses, orange, cotton candy, spices…).

Here are the rules :

* Reblog and/or like this post to participate.
* Only one reblog and one like count, so don’t spam your own followers ;)
* Winner will be chosen by a random number generator.
* You have to be following my blog to participate.
* No “giveaway only” blogs. I’ll check.
* Keep your ask box open, so I can contact you to ship you your prize!
*You have until the 05/22/13, 12pm GMT, to participate.

Thank you for being there all this time and thank you for always being so sweet and supportive. Frankly, when I started this blog, I expected people to despise me. But that wasn’t the case.

You’re amazing each and everyone of you.